Knockoff "Candy Lipz" Disaster
Kardashian lips, without the syringe... is that even possible? Not really, unless you're born with a naturally plump pout. In which case... *insert virtual middle finger here*. But is it possible to fake Kardashian lips? Absolutely. Perhaps you've heard of the Candy Lipz product, taking over the internet? Well I decided to try the much less expensive, knockoff brand, purchased on the Wish app. The results? Take a look:
First trial was a total success, so of course I had to try it out in the real world. I hopped on Tinder and scrolled left through multiple "Hell no's," until I finally found a 6'4" dream with massive dimples (what can I say? I have a thing for dimples) and a smile that could make even my evil fourth grade teacher turn into a soft pile of mush. I swiped right, of course.
Small talk, small talk, then... omg he lived right down the street. We decided to get together at a bar that was equidistance between us both. I slathered on makeup and prepared myself to test out my new lip plumper. Now, if you've watched the above video, you already know that this lip plumping "miracle" only keeps your lips inflated for about an hour or so. I wasn't actually planning on staying out too late (we got together at 9pm and the bar closed at 11), so I figured I'd be safe. Five minutes before I was to walk out the door, I put on a two minute timer and got to work, suctioning the plastic plumper to my less-than-plump, skinny little lips.
Thirty seconds... one minute... minute and a half... two minutes and I carefully removed the product, excited to see the same results I saw when I filmed the above review.
No such luck.
My poor little lips came out of that damn apple looking like the world's most powerful vacuum just tried sucking my face off, leaving a hickey that could put two overly hormonal teenagers to shame. I examined my face with a mixture of horror and amusement... but now I only had three minutes to get my ass out the door. I carefully applied concealer to the bruised skin around my lips. Did it conceal the purple? Nope. So I applied another coat of foundation. Purple ring = still there. Two, three, four coats of makeup later, and the giant hickey was completely concealed. By this time, I was running late.
"Hello, Mr. 6'4"? I'm running a bit behind..."
When I finally arrived at the bar, Mr. 6'4" was waiting at the door, smiling with that dreamboat smile (those dimples, tho'!) and looking even better than the photos in his Tinder profile. I apologized for being late, but he said he wasn't concerned and we headed over to the bar to order drinks. Here's where it got weird.
I was craving Guinness, but I also didn't want to risk the makeup coming off around my mouth and exposing the giant hickey encircling my lips. What to do, what to do?! I'll tell you what I did: I ordered the Guinness... then asked the bartender for a straw. Then I put that straw in my pint of Guinness and shamelessly started sucking it down, before looking up and realizing both the bartender and my date were staring at me with the most baffled expressions on their faces.
Bartender: "I can honestly say I've never seen anyone drink beer out of a straw before."
Mr. 6'4": "Why are you...?"
Well okay, now I had to explain why I was late. So I explained my misfortune to this dreamboat of a man, while anticipating a devastatingly quick end to the date. To my surprise, he thought it was hilarious and not in a "Yeah, I regret this date already," kind of way. He actually laughed and asked if I was going to write about him in my article. Yes, Mr. 6'4", if you're reading this, you are, clearly, a focal point in this article.
Fast forward a few games of darts and a couple of hours later. The bar was closing, but we were having such a great time that neither one of us actually wanted to leave. As we made our way back to the parking lot and prepared to go our separate ways, I asked him if he'd care to go to another bar, so we could enjoy each other's company for a few more hours. He enthusiastically agreed and we headed out to do just that.
Fast forward another couple of hours and now the bar we relocated to was closing too. My lips had completely deflated.
We started walking back to his car. Then we both climbed in his car.... Wait. Oh man... was this the part where we were going to make out? The main thought running through my head at that point was, "How on earth am I supposed to kiss this guy without my makeup coming off?!" But then I thought, "F**k it. He already knows the sitch. So he'll see my massive, vacuum cleaner hickey. Whatever."
Did we make out? Yuuuup. Was it good? I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. Did my makeup come off? Uh huh. But did he care? Judging by the way his hands were all over me... I highly doubt it.
And now let's circle back to the main purpose of this article. The knockoff brand of the Candy Lipz plumper. I'm not entire sure what went wrong that second time around. Perhaps the suction was too strong? Whatever it was, I suggest being very careful with this product. Maybe use it for a photoshoot, but definitely don't risk trying it before a date.
Oh! And are things going to work out between me and Mr. 6'4"? I'm happy to say I've established a friendship with a very attractive man who has a great sense of humor. A great sense of humor...
...and two kids. Smh. It figures.
Love, as always, from your,
It Girl Friday